The lonliness of the long distance lawn mower

Big Bertha was of an unknown make, not popular and probably a "special purchase" she had a massive cut, steady speed and the ability to mulch or collect as the fancy took her. She came to Ednovean Farm when the gardens were in their infancy and chugged relentlessly through reclaimed paddock to produce the lawns that you can see today. She mulched obsessively to produce the tilth under the lawns in the Italian garden, which was built on the horses old sand school - which in itself was on the mining rab or stony sub soil. She collected the clipping decorously nearer to the house as we soon discovered that our bedroom carpets acquired a fine coat of grass cuttings if they were left unattended!

The years took there toll on Big Bertha though, her once gleaming paintwork became dull and she became cantankerous with age but still soldiered on into her pensionalble years. She was supported in her role by the little Mountford "Little Bertha" bought, when Bertha spent an interminable period in the workshops of a local lawn mower hospital. Twice weekly Charles did battle with the two Berthas in the spring grass growing season, keeping Big Bertha going with surreptitious kicks to her seizing wheels, until the day came when she planted herself firmly on the edge of the lawn and refused to move at all. No amount of kicking or cagouling would move the errant machine and she was dispatched to a specialist, a top of the range work shop, were, after a fitting period she was declared U/S.

Little Bertha has stepped manfully into the breach, working for five hours at a stretch and restating at the first pull but surely now she must be approaching her sixty thousand mile service. With great reluctance and a high pressure weather forecast for this week, we set off for B&Q and their bright plastic ranks of Montfields. After half an hour comparing statistics and finally consulting a very nice man I found sweeping up, behind the pot plants, we were the owners of a very large box with a picture of a lawn mower on it. We were assured that this was a lawn mower.............and the man was very reassuring about the assembly.

As we drove on into Penzance Charles said "so how much were those new door mats you bought?" Peering at the bill it was obvious that it was not my very nice terracotta/machine washable/just right for the guest sitting room mats, that were to blame but a to put it politely an overcharge - and just as gentlemanly Charles had politely, paid the bill. Four very nice ladies later we had a refund and were still in possession of the box bearing the picture of the lawn mower and home we went.

It's usually best to keep out of the way when technical things go on but some time and two left over screws later. Charles had assemble a very passable lawn mower and I had a very nice box to recycle to the local dump. She was carried sedately out into the garden on a wheel barrow - strange but the easiest way to transit the courtyard steps and the moment of truth had arrived. She roared into life and sat poised in front of a very passable growing hay field. Charles tenderly took the handle and gently squeezed the throttle and she just as gently moved forward for a few moments, before taking off at a speed of knots dragging Charles behind her.

In half the time and barely time to stop for a cup of tea, this was the result - a bit rough around the edges but a very passable facsimile of a lawn - Big Bertha is dead - long live Big Bertha!